Today, I am going to say all of the things no American would ever say. None of you here in the US will like it much. I sure as hell don't.
But facts is facts. You can't deny truth. You have to give credit where credit is due. It's been quite a run for the Islamic Republic of Iran versus the all-powerful United States. Must be something like 100-0 now.
And unlike the Covenant Girls' School racking up that same score
on Dallas Academy, I can guaran-damn-tee you the Iranians have absolutely no regrets. I wouldn't. Hell, I'd be proud! As they must be.
In today's Islamic Republic of Iran, grandfather and grandson can now share heartwarming personal stories of how they each humiliated the Great Satan, be it taking hostages back in 1979 or setting off EFP-loaded IEDs that have killed 170 US soldiers
in Iraq and have shredded many more.
And now, they have humiliated us through Team Hollywood beyond measure. For thirty long years the Islamic Republic of Iran has been The Joker to our Batman. And our Batman has always lost.
For those of you not in the know, here's the recap. First, in 1979 they overthrow the Shah
, crash our embassy, take 52 hostages
and hold them for 444 long unending days, completely humiliating America and driving President Jimmy Carter
out of office on a rail. I know how long those days were. I Iived through them.
Though they must have been much longer days for the hostages.
IRAN 1, US 0
By the way, today's President of Iran, Mahmoud Ahmadinejad, was one of the hostage-takers
in that crisis. No doubt one of the laurels that propelled him into office in Islamist Iran. Everybody loves a winner.
IRAN 2, US 0
In January 1981, Ronald Reagan sailed past the Iran-shamed peanut farmer
from Georgia and into the White House in a landslide
.The 52 hostages held captive in Iran were released shortly thereafter. Most people think it was because they feared The Gipper. Perhaps, perhaps not. They don't seem to fear us much. And why not? If they were us and we were them, would YOU based on our sad track record?
But as things turned out, even the Great Communicator
eventually got punked. Plenty!
In August 1982 a three-nation international peacekeeping force, the Multi-National Force in Lebanon
, was sent to Beirut in the midst of the chaos of the Lebanese Civil War. On October 23, 1983, two truck bombs driven by suicide bombers plowed into separate barracks housing the MFL troops in Beirut, who were sleeping at the time. Those devastating bombings killed 241 US servicemen.
The bombings were carried out by Hezbollah
. Need more be said?
IRAN 3, US 0
Actually, there was one small note of comic relief
and victory for us. On March 8, 1985, a truck bomb detonated near the Beirut apartment block of Sheikh Mohammad Hussein Fadlallah
, a Shia cleric thought by many to be the spiritual leader of Hezbollah, killing more than 80 people and wounding 200.
That devastating bombing was widely believed to be the work of the United States, in retaliation
for the Marine barracks bombing two years earlier. The Good Sheikh Fadlallah stated, in Joker-like blackly comic fashion, "They sent me a letter and I got the message." An enormous sign was placed on the bombed-out Beirut apartment building: "Made In The USA."
Gotcha! For once. Thats about it, though. Take what we can get.
IRAN 3, US 1
But the Iranian punking wasn't over for The Gipper yet. Not by a country mile! We today know one of those punkings as Iran-Contra
, the arms-for-hostages scheme which not only blew up in Ronald Reagan's face in the worst political crisis of the US Presidency since Watergate, but provided top-shelf weaponry to the 'moderate' Islamists in Iran.
See, the US and Israel were supplying top-grade weapons to a 'moderate' faction in Iran in exchange for their best efforts to release six hostages being held in Beirut. Best part? The six hostages
being held in Lebanon, over which the deal was made, were actually being held by Hezbollah, Iran's terrorist proxy and Best Friend Forever in Beirut.
So in essence, the 'moderate' Iranians we were dealing with to free the hostages, in exchange for prized US weaponry, were actually the guys holding them. How great a punking is THAT? Better than THE STING! And that movie's a 91 on the TomatoMeter!
Tough to beat. But they did it. In this case, you might call that production THE STINGER.
IRAN 4, US 1
Actually, considering Iran-Contra nearly brought down the Presidency, that's a DOUBLE-punking!
IRAN 5, US 1
And of course, we now have Iranians both shipping and providing tech support to Shiite radicals in Iraq for armor-piercing Explosively Formed Projectiles, or EFPs, which are wreaking havoc
on our troops there.
IRAN 6, US 1
Of course, any good punker isn't satisfied with just punking the same people over and over. What fun is that? They've punked the Jews plenty! On July 18, 1994 in Buenos Aires, Argentina, a massive bomb blast
reduced the seven-story Jewish-Argentine Mutual Association (AMIA) community centre in Buenos Aires to rubble, killing 85 and wounding 300.
The bombing was carried out by Hezbollah, and you know what that means! Iran was eventually charged for the crime as well in 2006. It wouldn't have taken ME twelve years to figure out who punked 'em!
IRAN 1, JEWS 0
I'll bet they just flip a coin in Tehran. You know. "Who are we going to bring Death to today, America or Israel? You call it, Ahmie!" I'm sure there are many extremists in Iran who would much rather dispense with the coin toss rule altogether and just do both of us at the same time.
You know. A doubleheader! Death To America AND Israel, all in the same wad blow! Would go with the slogans they got painted on all their missiles! A Twofer! But it seems there are some relatively sane people in Iran enforcing the coin toss rule.
So, let's cut to the present day and assume the score right now is 95-1. Advantage Iran. I threw that number out because I don't have time or space to list all the other 89 punkings. And there's about five punkings yet to come for President Obama and Team Oscar. Mostly Team Oscar. So it would round out to a nice even 100 punkings in the end. I like nice round numbers. They're orderly. Other people prefer chaos.
Like punks, for example.
Speaking of which, now it's President Obama's turn, and boy does he get a taste of Iranian punking! Not much Hope for Change on that score! And Team Hollywood gets the worst of it. They get punked all around town. They're STILL getting punked! In fact, they just don't know how badly they're being punked right now.
First, President Obama must personally approve Team Hollywood's visas, as the Islamic Republic of Iran has been under sanction by the US ever since our first punking in 1979 with the hostage crisis.
That's the setup. Here's the punklines!
So here's Team Hollywood, visas in hand, and as giddy and excited as Neville Chamberlain flying back from Munich in 1938 with Peace In Our Time
(but that was another major punker named Hitler), sets off for the Friendly Skies, sipping Dom Perignon, schmoozing, and no doubt congratulating each other on how THEY'LL be the ones to finally bring peace between Iran and America via Oscar, celluloid and their charming personalities!
Sorry, Sid and Annette. Plot twist. You're not in Hollywood anymore
. Not by a DAMN sight! You're in Punkedville now! Didn't take 'em long to find THAT out!
They no sooner land in Tehran and get TOTALLY punked by the best punkers in the world, DEMANDING apologies for such celluloid slanders to Iranian culture as '300' and The Wrestler. They were particularly incensed by The Wrestler, in which Mickey Rourke breaks an Iranian flag over his knee and tosses it into the crowd. This, from punks who desecrate OUR flag as a national sport!
Can't say they don't have a sense of humor. Most punks do.
I would have told them to stuff it at that point, and would have either gotten back onto the plane or dragged off to Evin Prison
depending how mad I got. Hell, I'm an American screenwriter! I'll be damned if anyone can tell me what to put in a script or not that ain't payin' for it! Over my dead body!
But not to the freshly punked Team AMPASS (the last S is for Stooge). See, to them PATTON is just a right-wing fascist movie. To me, PATTON is a state of mind. It would have definitely been at that moment in time. Not to Team AMPASS. They're all about peace. And getting punked. Duped Stooges that they are.
They never stood a chance in Punkedville! They were punked before they even got on the plane!
IRAN 96, US 1
Not only that, President Obama has the one olive branch extended to Iran slapped out of his hand.
HE gets punked, too!
IRAN 97, US 1
The fact that Team Hollywood even stayed in Tehran after that fiasco was a humiliating punking in itself, like they're walking around Tehran wearing Code Pink Stooge Badges of Shame. I know the Iranians could see them. I do. But parading Annette Bening and Alfre Woodard around in burqas
was a nice punking touch.
They'll call it fashion or cultural sensitivity. But why didn't they make a bold and defiant statement to Iranian women by wearing Western dress the whole time, instead of letting the Mad Mullahs wrap them up like mummies in burqas so they look like every other oppressed woman in Iran?
IRAN 98, US 1
One great laff riot sidebar. Not a punking, but definitely an Honorable Mention.
Domestic film stooge and Team Hollywood's new Best Friend Forever, Iranian filmmaker Alireza Davudnejad, wrote an Open Letter To Obama
claiming that the only way to achieve peace, freedom and justice in this world was for the United States to give up our UN veto power and immediately dismantle all of our nuclear weapons.
Mr. Davudnejad also requested a schedule from Mr. Obama as to when the President would implement these world-shaking peace, freedom and justice-creating landmarks. This, from a regime that foments war, writes injustice into its penals codes, crushes freedom with an iron boot, races to build nukes of its own, and swears to Allah and their own people they'll use 'em on Israel just as soon as they're built!
Now THAT'S Comedy! Armageddon it all. Aren't you? Fortunately, President Obama wisely didn't fall for it. But if he had, it would have been the Punking Of All Time!
Nice try, Ali-Duh. No punking. But definitely a gold star on the forehead for effort.
SCORE REMAINS THE SAME
IRAN 98, US 1
Now, the Last Great Punking of Team Hollywood. And, by extension, all of us here in America now looking at a dismal 98-1 score. And it was the worst punking of the bunch. Depressingly worst. Here's how the Last Great Punking of Team Hollywood, which was totally self-inflicted, played out.
When news broke of the ICC warrant
issued against Sudan's genocidal dictator and now-international fugitive from justice Omar Bashir, Iran's leaders could not sit still for it
. Not that they could sit still for much anyway. They'd much rather be out punking someone. But they definitely won't sit still for such a crime against humanity as an unjust warrant for their innocent BBF O-Bash!
So while Team Hollywood is sharing tea and pleasantries in their gilded Iranian cages in Tehran with their domestic film stooge buddies like Alireza Davudnejad
(Team Hollywood are the foreign film stooges), half of Iran's government leadership, including Majlis House Speaker Ali Larijani, who once said 100 million Muslims killed in a nuclear exchange with Israel was totally acceptable (see, Larijani's a moderate in Iran, Ahmadinejad's the extremist), gather up all their own Islamist Gestapo agents and Hamas Blackshirts
and take to the streets to throw parades and pep rallies for Dear Leader and BFF Omar Bashir.
And, by default, the genocide he committed, and is STILL committing, in Sudan. In fact, many of those same Iranian leaders, with their Hamas and Hezbollah Blackshirt stooges, are at this very moment throwing parades
in the streets of Khartoum for O-Bash, where the genocide was and is STILL being committed there today! It is no less of a crime than if a nation were throwing parades in Berlin for Adolf Hitler during the Holocaust!
Not that THAT'S much of a surprise! The Punks in the Iranian thugocracy and Hamas talk genocide ALL THE TIME! They're MADE for each other!
Yet even on this news, Team Hollywood takes no action and says not a damn thing. Dead silence.
If I saw genocide rallies at that point I would have hightailed it the hell out of Dodge, but not before voicing my outrage so loud over such an abomination they'd have heard me in Baghdad! Crickets. And they're still there, sharing tea, finger cookies and pleasantries no doubt, while all the while their hosts are celebrating the most abominable and horrific crime know to man in the streets of Khartoum and Tehran.
And the man who did it, and is STILL doing it, in Sudan.
Maybe some of you don't see the Big Picture, so here are the pieces. If you know the people hosting you in their country are celebrating genocide and you don't do ANYTHING, not speak up, not leave, not nothing, you now become a silent accomplice. It's like watching a crime happen when you could have done something and willfully chose not to do it. All I'm hearing is crickets.
Their gold-plated silence over the gay pogrom
going on in Iran was bad enough, especially after the three-hour gay rights infomercial called the Oscars. They should have never gone in the first place! But to sit still and do less than nothing while genocide parties are going on in the streets below? They have shamed us all, people. They represent US over there! And they could not have done it in worse fashion than if they sent a Stooge Team to 1944 Auschwitz for a "cultural exchange!"
Their stink now becomes our stink. And for every moment more they stay, the stink gets worse. And it makes me want to vomit. And Team AMPASS are such hopeless dupes they don't even see it. Just like the stooges that fawned all over Hitler and wound up getting fifty million people killed, when it all didn't have to happen in the FIRST place!
Even their fascist Iranian hosts may not know it. They're too busy out in the streets of Khartoum and Tehran, celebrating a human butcher that would make Darth Vader hurl in his helmet!
But I know. And now so do you.
The worst part?
Where is the rest of Hollywood on this abomination? George Clooney, Champion of Darfur? He should be ready to bust a vein right now! Hear anything? How about gay rights champions Sean Penn and Dustin Lance Black? What are you telling gay Iranians, guys? Rights for me but not for thee?
Where are the petitions? The blacklists? The boycotts? The mobs of enraged gay rights protesters shouting up to the skies against these heinous affronts to all civilization does and should stand for? I'm the one that has to risk everything to speak up? DISGRACEFUL!
Don't want to rock the boat? Screw that! I'm SINKING it!
The silence from Hollywood is deafening. From ALL of them! Where ARE they? They're the human rights champions! Oh well. They're probably all off to Cuba or Venezuela or some other Bastion of Freedom. You know. Promoting human rights or something. I guess it is true. They never met dictators they didn't like. Sure seems to be the case in Punkedville!
Hard to tell who did the punking here. Like I said, the Iranians are so good they probably do it now and don't even know it. And the Team AMPASS members, it seems, are too hopelessly stupid to see what's going on right in front of their own faces. But I do. And now so do you, My Fellow Americans. Game, Set and Match for Team AMPASS. And, by default, all of us. I feel sick right now. Don't you?
Worst punking of them all. And it's the ONE punking that could have been avoided. For ALL of us.
IRAN 99, US 1
The only question that remains now is, will Punking #100 be a nuke?
I don't know about you, but I see of lot of The Joker in Ahmadinejad. You know, the whole "some men just want to watch the world burn" thing. He sure talks a hell of game! I can picture the Joker saying, "Yeah, we're Agents of Chaos! Let's wipe Israel and the Great Satan off the face of the earth, ha ha ha!!" Not much of a stretch if you really think about it. Some men DO want to watch the world burn.
I'm sure a lot of this has pissed you off, my Fine Fellow Americans. It sure has me. Welcome to the Club.
So what do we do now? Let Ahmadinejad and his bloodthirsty Punk Brigades punk us into radioactive Armageddon? Should we nuke him first? You know. Best-defense-is-a-good-offense thing? I know some of you must be riled up enough to feel that way right now.
But I say no. I'll be the moderate here. You know. American moderate. Not Iranian.
I don't want to nuke anyone. I just want to put the punks out of business. Like My Dear Old Dad did in Dubya Dubya Two! Besides, ordinary Iranians are the ones suffering the most over there.
Example. In America, our police use online stealth to catch child molesters. In Iran, their Islamist goons do the same to entrap gays. It's systematic. SOP. And being gay there means horrific torture
and death from slow suffocation and strangulation by being raised up on crane wires
And they even have the size of the stones for the stoning of women written into the laws
! Not too big to kill right away, not so small you can't call it a stone. How sick is THAT? They SAVOR the pain of their victims!
But that's just the punks.
It's the REAL Iranian people like you and me that are suffering the most over there, just as they did under Master Punk Hitler and his gang of blood-drinking stooges. No, as the moderate here, my coin toss tells me we should blast the hell out of their nuclear facilities before it just gets too damn late, then round up all the Islamist Iranian punks and give THEM the same brutal punking they've been giving their own people and the rest of the world for the last thirty years!
Sorry. I said I was a moderate. That was Patton speaking. We'll bypass the torture part and go straight to hanging them all from crane wires. While we're at it, we should do the same to The Nine Stooges. Right from the marquee over the Kodak Red Carpet, LOL! How great would THAT be?
Sorry. Again, Patton speaking. He's really trying to blitzkrieg his way out right now.
You know what one of the greatest tragedies in all of this is, people?
I love film! I love Hollywood! I've gotten a taste of the Red Carpet Thing for my work. I even love and respect the Academy of Motion Picture Arts and Sciences. Board members like producer Kathleen Kennedy, actress Eva Marie Saint, actor Karl Malden, even The Great Fonz, Henry Winkler, have given the Academy board a character, dignity and respect you can't buy. And I love them all for the magnificent bodies of work they have given us, and the greater world at large, through some very hard work.
And what screenwriter doesn't dream of grabbing an Oscar statuette of his or her own? It's the Lombardi Trophy
of the creative arts! I LOVE the Academy! I didn't want to declare war on them!
But when in the course of human events...
In that respect, I now know how our Founding Fathers must have felt back in 1776. They LOVED Merry Olde Englande and His Majesty King George! Beyond measure! Drank a toast to both every chance they got! Must have really sucked, to be backed so far into a corner they had to lash out with extreme violence at the one thing in this world they truly loved the most, with all their hearts.
It was with great sadness and sorrow that they chose the path of revolution. It has been no less for me.
We and England are now at peace after two wars. If fact, some of my greatest heroes of all time are iconic British figures like Winston Churchill, Monty
, Eric Blair (aka George Orwell), and too many others to name here. The only thing that separates us from the British today is a common language
We even joined together in WWII to defeat the other Master Punker
and his fascist stooges, who sought to set the world on fire and rule it with an iron fist. Yet even today Germany is a staunch ally. So is Japan. I sincerely hope that one day the same will be true of myself and AMPAS. But I have no illusions like they seem to at the moment. I know their PR rage will be even greater than that of the Mad Mullahs of Iran.
But this matter, as I'm sure you all must see by now, goes WAY beyond film.
I will tell you one thing. Hollywood ain't getting any of MY bucks for awhile! Not until they smarten up! They could start by ejecting The Nine Stooges, who've shamed us all beyond belief, off the Academy board and into the Pacific! Until and unless things change radically there, I wouldn't want to eat lunch in that town anyway! Hypocrites! Their silence is KILLING me! They should be the LOUDEST here!
No, the dirty jobs have to fall in my lap once again. Oh well. Wouldn't be the first time.
Peace, everyone. I hope :)
By the way, here is the AMPASS contact page
, should any of you want to voice your own strong opinion to the Academy on all this.
Champagne Wishes and Caviar Dreams!
Regards To All, Your Humble and Most Obedient Mad King.
PS Where are the Academy PR Einsteins who thought this whole abortion up?
They Shoot Horses' Asses
In Hollywood, Don't They?
I know if I were Omar Bashir and those were my PR people, I'd had them ALL shot! And that's just for starters! If they were smart, they'd fire them and hire me! But like Georgie Patton said, "Ah, they don't listen to me." They sure as hell won't now. And I'm the one who would KEEP them out of jams like this!
But, My Fellow Americans, I hope and pray that you will.
Damn, I wish they made movies like PATTON again, instead of ones that make US look like The Dark Side!
You know. Films that have a REAL world view. Don't you?
Forget it, Jake. It's Hollywood.
3/11/09, 5:45 EST - THIS JUST IN:
TEHRAN, March 10 (MNA) -- Managing Director of the Iranian House of Cinema Mohammad-Mehdi Asgarpur criticized reactions of the media toward the recent Hollywood delegation visit to Iran.
I could not be more certain that it is NOT the Iranians who are doing the bowing there!
“I believe some tried to show the guests that we are the same people depicted in ‘300’, and ‘Not without My Daughter’. On the other hand, some others tried to show our rich cultural background and acted based on this rich culture. In none of the meetings, the Iranian cineastes bowed to the American filmmakers. The Hollywood team encountered a true image of Iran, its culture, its history and its people."
Not outraged enough yet? Take a REAL good look at Islamist Iran's "Film Culture"
Lot of text and links there. Which brings up yet ANOTHER curious question:
Why in the HELL and I the only one reporting on all this?
It would seem that those in the American film industry are not the only ones being willfully blind here. It's not like I really had to go out and search very hard for this stuff. There's a GLUT of this crap out there!
For those who choose to see it, that is. Yet another dirty job that has to fall in my lap.
Now I know how Hercules felt having to shovel out
the Augean Stables. Pathetic!