Op-Ed: Canceled Due to Global Warming

A humorous look at the Midwest's weather from this week. While it is satire, we hope that at least one person sees the Global Warming thing as a tad dramatic.

A major byproduct of carbon emissions struck the Southern Plains through the Middle Atlantic and Northeastern states on Tuesday of this week. Snarling highways with ice and snow, disrupting air traffic, and closing schools, evidence of Man’s dis of the planet was on full display. “When we mistreat Mother Earth, she responds by heat, and as you can see, Global Warming is not a hoax,” claimed a UN Global Warming committee member from her home in the sweltering country of Brazil. “We feel the effects of Global Warming here on the Equator everyday”. While the Equator is known for its year round heat, it just feels warmer than usual, claims another Global Warming supporter. “If only that planet hater George Bush had signed off on the Kyoto Accords, the Eastern United States would not be be bearing the brunt of unbridled Global Heating. The Democratic controlled Senate must have been nuts when they voted the Treaty down 99-0″. It is widely accepted that Global Warming started on 21 January, 2001, and reached a fever pitch when Dick Cheney started torturing Katrina Victims. This was a double whammy for New Orleans, as Global Warming is being blamed for the Floods, and not the corruption and ineptitude of the local governments of New Orleans and Louisiana, which honest and reasonable people once believed based on the many facts in evidence. But as this week has demonstrated, Global warming is as real and dangerous as the monsters under a child’s bed. Climatologists, geologists, and earth scientists all agree, that if America would just start driving Smart cars, swearing off electricity, and heated homes, the rest of the world would benefit greatly. “It is up to Americans to take it on the chin and for the Planet Team, to start regressing, so the rest of us don’t feel guilty about our prosperity,” said Sven Svaalbard, co-chair of the Man Caused Destruction Department of a leading Swedish University. “Here in Sweden, last year we had 347 blizzards as opposed to the 348 we had the year before. This clearly indicates that America is behind the rising temperatures here and the melting of the ice caps. The USA must understand that electricity and heated homes are luxuries that many in the world don’t enjoy. And that a drawing down of America’s prosperity to match a median of the World's GNP, must begin immediately to slow down Global Warming.” Back in the US, where over 300 flights, hundreds of school systems, and airports were shut down due to the Global Warming blast, people are starting to wake up as to just how harmful their culture, lifestyle, and personalities are to the World Community. “I was proud of the NFL, and my Pittsburgh Steelers, major American institutions both,” said Tom Dempsey, as he started the heater on his aircraft de-ice truck for the 57th time in 48 hours. “Now I realize that Troy Polamalu caused my grandmother’s flight to be canceled because of an airport closure due to icing conditions. I'm ashamed of that. " Others gathered on the ramp at Washington Dulles Airport voiced similar opinions; “I have been plowing runway 19R for the last 30 hours, and it occurred to me, heating my home is the reason for all of this snow, and I couldn't believe how selfish I have been.” Not everyone is so quick to reach for the Coppertone. “People! There is snow and ice all over the Midwest! Flights and schools have been canceled, and I have 8 inches of friggin’ snow and ice are on my driveway! It’s not warming, morons, it is winter! That’s what the planet does! And when the temperatures climb when Earth tilts towards the sun, it is called Summer!! Carbon Credits, indeed!” said a man anonymously due to fears of being branded a heretic. “It is the height of liberal arrogance to think we can A. Effect mother nature, and B. that we can fix it. The planet has been around for a long time, and this deviation from recent histories norm, is nothing more than the continuing evolution of the planet. Driving tin foil cars and going blind reading under “organic” light bulbs, will make Al Gore rich and the liberals happy, but will kill American Culture,” he further opined. Calls to Al Gore, CEO of the “Guilt and Global Warming Foundation”, went unanswered as ice had knocked out power lines throughout his county. “Vice-President Gore is safe from the Man caused power outage as he flew his private jet to Bali for a check on sea surface temperatures. At no time was Vice-President Gore ever cold,” A spokesman for the GGWF said in a statement earlier today.