Op-Ed: Taxing Cow Flatulence is Butt of Many a Joke

What’s a governor to do? California Gov. Arnold Schwarzenegger, that is and his merry band of tax and spend legislators, especially when he and they got the state into its current financial bind.

In all fairness, we voters share a lot of the blame. We continuously allow them to con us into voting ourselves into financial bondage through ballot measures that never seem to realize the lofty goals for which the bonds were intended. Mostly were left in a bind of high interest payments, and that’s bound to be a recipe for disaster. Desperate times call for extreme measures to swell the state‘s shrinking coffers. Maybe the gov and legislators will consider some funtastic off-the-wall ideas, because so far sound ideas like cutting spending (and not in health care as Schwarzenegger has suggested) have been ignored. It’s hard to imagine why they didn’t like my suggestion to auction off the state to the highest bidder. Like the Chinese, for example. They own half the state already. “We already have a big investment in California,” said Wi-Wil Owen U, head of China’s trade delegation. “We feel that California is a good investment for us,” he continued. “Everyone knows we can turn around a sinking economy, and unlike our food, which you hunger for an hour later, we promise that the state won’t go broke again a year after we buy it.” I swear on the horned head of Hathor, the Egyptian cow goddess that this fund raising idea is true. It must be; I heard it on the radio. It has to be the most outlandish idea internalized then externalized so far, and is bound to be the butt of many jokes. A flat flatulence tax per head (excuse me, per petute) on dairy and beef cattle. It’s a hoot when cows toot from their petutes. G’head. Laugh. And while you’re laughing, make up your own jokes. They’re proposing a tax of $50 per dairy cow; $35 per beef cow. Ah. You noticed the difference. Dairy cows are corn-fed and they’re allergic to corn, ergo more noxious methane expelled into the air. If there are reverse mortgages, how about reverse bonds? They don’t have to be paid off until the state dies. Aaaarnold and the legislature keep coming up with spend-iferous ideas that could be reversed, like the dinosaur’s share of the budget going to education and taxes that never get spent on early education. We can thank the “meathead” Rob Reiner of “All in the Family Fame” for that one. Another idea of his that needs a reversal of fortune is stem cell research. Laudable, but better left to private enterprise. We’re footing the bill and won’t see a penny of profit; the companies that realize a scientific breakthrough will. Not enough? How about a massive bake sale? Or a raffle. Not one where mega millions are won, but weekly raffles with lots of small prizes that don’t equal more than 40 percent of the state’s take, so more of us can get in on the winning action. Schwarzenegger has already suggested borrowing $5 billion against future lottery revenue, and increasing the prize money. Hasn’t borrowing against the future gotten us in enough trouble? Besides, if more people thought they had a chance to win, more people would buy tickets even if the prizes are smaller. Anything won is better than nothing. We can be pretty darn sure that there are state warehouses bursting with used office furniture, machines and supplies of all kinds; therefore a humongous warehouse sale is in order. I’ll be the first and order one desk, one desk chair, two filing cabinets and one IBM Selectric typewriter. Occasionally they still come in handy. Ooops. I wonder if they have a case of ribbon cartridges and correction tape to go with the typing machine? We could have community car washes, just like high school kids, who raise money for sports equipment or whatever they need that’s not in school budgets, but could be if they didn’t waste their money. There are a lot of dirty cars in California that could take advantage of such a service. The car wash would include all state owned vehicles that aren’t used by emergency services, and after they’re all sparkly clean will be auctioned off at a state garage sale. The state must have a bunch of garages to sell that are filled with all kinds of usable stuff. As individuals, we can hold private garage/house clutter sales, get rid of those trashy treasures and help the environment by cycling the trash and turning it into someone else’s treasure. For a small entry fee of, let’s say $5, we can hold a cost-cutting contest. The top 10 suggestions will share 30 percent of the take. LAX and SFO can auction off all the luggage they’ve lost. Everyone loves sin taxes. Strip joint patrons can pay a dollar tax for every dancer’s bubble they burst. So what’s a governor to do? Since they’ll never cut spending, maybe we can coming up with more fund-tastic ideas, but I doubt anyone can beat a flat flatulence tax. Except for the Los Angeles Department of Water and Power, they have classes to teach their employees sphincter control. Think they’d enroll a few dairy cows? For a small fee, of course.