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Op-Ed: Porn industry wants Federal bailout to save society

By Paul Wallis     Jan 8, 2009 in Business
Yep, the porn industry wants $5 billion to keep from going under. There’s a certain ambivalence about the claim, but the nature of the threat is that Americans are too worried to think about sex. Society as we know it might collapse.
Don’t read too much into this, but if you were looking for a Doomsday Scenario, wouldn’t that be one of the basic requirements?
The logical scenario would be that as the porn industry goes down, the public is focused on other things. The new sciences of Conceptual Treadmills and Applied Poverty affects the nation, and as 300 million people try to form support groups, good, healthy porn is neglected.
The internet, deprived of its intellectual leadership, becomes a gigantic social site, obsessed with relationship mechanics and management science.
It’s closer than you might think.
Larry Flynt and Joe Francis (Hustler Magazine and Girls Gone Wild producer respectively) have approached Congress for an auto industry-like bailout.
"It's time for Congress to rejuvenate the sexual appetite of America. The only way they can do this is by supporting the adult industry and doing it quickly."
Flynt said people were "too depressed to be sexually active."
"This is very unhealthy as a nation. Americans can do without cars and such, but they cannot do without sex."
Leaving out the problem of driving to go pick up the porn, the two bailouts may hold the key to a cultural Renaissance for America and the world.
If the porn industry can be saved, the financial sector could be taught Porn Economics, the idea of sales of something people actually want, for the purpose of profit, as distinct from Subprime Economics, the sale of sexless garbage nobody ever needed for the purpose of destroying the global economy.
The possibilities are terrifying:
From this may be derived the germ of salvation, self awareness among financiers, leading perhaps even to their spontaneous development of genitals in subsequent millennia.
The IQs of market analysts may once again include whole numbers on the left side of the decimal point. Torchlit processions will mark the occasion in specially built shopping malls full of commemorative porn shops to make sure they don’t get lost.
The endangered species called Relevance and Economic Viability by the hermit mystics in Treasury and S&P may once again prance the green fields of the Federal Reserve.
This could be the big evolutionary breakthrough that the middle class has been trying to find since puberty during the Stone Age. The directionless society can have anatomical reference points again, leading to a better tomorrow and maybe even economic literacy.
Flynt and Francis can justly claim to have raised the spectre of revived social consciousness. That does imply it was conscious in the first place, as many philosophers and other unemployable people have pointed out.
Not wishing to nitpick, it has to be said that whatever the case, this $5 billion sounds a lot cheaper than buying so many electric cowprods all at once.
This opinion article was written by an independent writer. The opinions and views expressed herein are those of the author and are not necessarily intended to reflect those of
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