Fake identity - An addict’s story

Cocaine provided Stefan Tucci, 23, with a sense of belonging. By using cocaine and later selling the drug, he felt needed by other drug users. However, soon people started identifying him as an ‘addict’ first instead of Stefan Tucci.

Nevertheless, that was not always the case for Tucci. He cherished his identity before he started using drugs. He was a happy kid, who played soccer with his friends. Tucci also had a unique role in his family and with his friends. “I was a best friend, a son and a big brother to my sister,” Tucci said. “Now I am only known as a drug addict.” Because of his drug habit, Tucci is unable to fulfill his role, neither as a brother to his kid sister nor be a good son to his mother, Tucci said. “I miss that and that really hurts,” Tucci said. “I feel disabled, even not a human being sometimes.” According to Doug Smith, a director at Toronto East General Hospital’s Withdrawal Management Centre, some children in families with history of drug or alcohol problems, start struggling with their identities very early in life. “Way before they become addicts,” he said. Smith said the biggest battle for people who struggle with addiction is finding out who they really are and where they belong. Smith thinks the moment a child hears words such as ‘you will just end up like your father or mother’ that child’s identity becomes, someone else’s identity. This can have a grim consequence on person’s self-esteem and on perception of himself. Tucci thinks that is what exactly happened to him. He remembers overhearing taunting comments from the people around him saying similar and awful things like that. “I felt like, is that all I could be in life?” Tucci asked. “(Since) my self-esteem took a nose dive.” Although, Tucci kept a decent appearance during his drug use, he always felt unpleasant inside. “I felt like a fake,” he said. Zack Korajlic, 39, has struggled with an alcohol problem since he was very young. He has been in and out of rehabilitation centres for years. He has tried many things to beat his alcoholism, including trying to change his identity. “I thought, if (I) am married and have children I will stop drinking,” Korajlic said. “I thought it will change my role in life.” He said he was trying to be someone he really wanted to be. Korajlic said he is unable to be neither a father nor a husband to his wife and daughter. That crushed him and made him feel like garbage. According to Smith, Facilities such as TEGH’s Withdrawal Management Centre can help encourage people to share their stories when identity is the underlying issues. Enabling the addict to become, that good father or a good son, they once were before they started using drugs or alcohol. However, “That can be very difficult to accomplish,” he said. “(Because) the primary identity of a person struggling with addiction is that they are the drug users.” He said that is his only identity.