Opinion: My Predictions of Election '08 And Beyond

Buy an ad on DigitalJournal.com

The future. We all think about the the future now more than ever. We have an election coming in America. The money we've put in our future is dropping faster than Oprah's weight on a water diet. Nothing is certain.

Well, amost nothing. Based on my study of past events, deductive reasoning, and/or one too many Landshark Beers (by the way, a wonderful tasty beverage courtesy of Anheiser-Bush), I think I've got our future locked down. I just hope that in 4 years someone logs onto DJ, sees my article, and hires me to go on a Montel Williams-like show and replace Sylvia Brown.

1. 25 Oct '08. Karl Rove will reveal that Obama has an illegitimate 3/4 white baby. Hey, if McCain can have a black one, what's to say Obama doesn't have a white one somewhere in Rove world? This, of course, will be a last-ditch effort from the Republican Party just as a show of force, even though they aren't necessarily behind McCain. America doesn't buy it.

2. 4 Nov '08.Obama will win the election, hands down. This will happen because this year, people that say they'll vote for him will actually go out and vote because they like him; unlike those who complained about Bush but didn't vote for Kerry who claimed they liked Kerry but just didn't like Bush but were too lazy to do something about it. McCain will declare "that one" as the winner.

3. 9 January '09. George Clinton, Ludacris and Parliament will be arrested for trying to play an impromptu concert at the inauguration, firing up their hit single "Paint The White House Black". Obama will laugh; Bill Clinton will speak against the incident saying "they were supposed to do that for ME in '97!"

4. 2011. Palin will consider a run for the Presidency. Yah, for sure she will! You betcha. She'll brush up on those interview skills so she can take on the likes of tough interviewers such as Katie Couric and stop those nasty gotcha media questions like "what's your foreign policy experience". She'll select Todd Palin as a running mate. If he can finish a snow machine race with a broken arm, why can't he be VP? Meanwhile, Satuday Night Live's ratings bounce back from a long, 3-year slump. Tina Fey becomes TV's first billionaire.

5. January 2012. After parting the Red Sea, Obama will announce his intent not to run for re-election. "I'll go out on top", he says. Hillary Clinton will burst in tears of joy.

6. June 2012. The Republican Party will try to railroad Palin out of the nomination to clear room for Condaleeza Rice. They will say phrases like "she doesn't have enough experience", "she's not ready to take on the public", and "you know she has an illegitimate Alaskan baby". You-tubers and DJ'ers will no doubtingly bring up the '08 Election.

7. Same Month. Nancy Pelosi will be selected as Clinton's VP. Bill Clinton will cry "that was supposed to be ME in '08!"

8. August 2012. During the 1st Clinton-Rice debate, someone will shout "catfight!" from the balcony. Bill O'Reilly will sadly be arrested for public disturbance. Bill Clinton, in a move "of sympathy and understanding", will pay the bail.

9. October 2012. Obama re-enters the race. "Parting the Red Sea wasn't enough", he announces. "I must create peace betwen Shi'ites and Sunnis". Somehow, America is convinced he can do it. Karl Rove retires from the media spotlight. "Damn, didn't see that coming!"

10. November 2012. Obama wins re-election. "More of the Same" becomes his sarcastic slogan.