Op-Ed: Penguin promoted to Colonel

The Colonel in Chief of the Norwegian King’s Guard happens to be a penguin. He came up through the ranks. As a bird, he’s far more intelligent and better looking than nearly all historical generals, so his career is looking quite promising.

Nils Olav, as the name suggests, is Scottish, and comes from Edinburgh, which is famous for its military penguins. No kilt, though. Apparently he’s retained traditional penguin fashion sense, and is always in dress uniform. The BBC:

Edinburgh Zoo penguin Nils Olav has been an honorary member and mascot of the Norwegian King's Guard since the 1980s.

Over the years, he has been promoted through the ranks and is currently the regiment's Colonel-in-Chief.

He is set to receive a further honour from the army, which has not yet been revealed, on Friday.

This obvious military alliance between Norway and Scotland is the latest avian move toward world domination. The political world is pretty well stocked with hawks, doves, pigeons and a quite noticeable oversupply of cuckoos and dodos, so nobody seems to mind a military penguin. Base camp Edinburgh Zoo is happy to collaborate:

David Windmill, chief executive of the Royal Zoological Society of Scotland, the charity that owns Edinburgh Zoo, said: "We have a long-standing history with the Norwegian King's Guard and it is something we are extremely proud of.

"It's an honour that they take the time to visit us and we are all looking forward to welcoming them on Friday.

"Edinburgh Zoo is famous for its king penguins and Nils Olav is definitely the most famous of them all."

Just to clarify, Nils Olav is the king penguin, and the King of Norway isn’t a penguin. Nobody's quite sure what Nils' next promotion will be. He already has his own bronze statue, so my guess is that the next step is political. Norway is a democratic monarchy, so a move to King Penguinize Norwegian society is a logical progressive step at this point in Nils' illustrious career. King penguins, like anything good, come from the Southern Hemisphere, and are a civilizing influence on the barbarian northlands. The presence of a penguin in military mode in Scotland with a regular retinue of elite troops is perfectly normal. People in the Northern Hemisphere can safely return to their huts knowing there’s nothing to worry about.