Op-Ed: 'Attack of the Box Office Bombs,' Take One

One hack screenwriter's take on why so many bombs get made, the stinkers I really love, the ones that make me cringe, and what your options are if you think you can do better. PLUS: A sneak peak at some major coming attractions.

'Ninety percent of everything is crap.' - Sturgeon's Law, according to famed science fiction writer Theodore Sturgeon (1918-1985) 'Nobody in Hollywood knows anything.' - Oscar-winning screenwriter William Goldman, from his best-selling Adventures In The Screen Trade. The esteemed Nikki Finke, whose impact as a Hollywood columnist and insider is no less significant than that of Matt Drudge’s to Internet news reporting, has her own passionate love-hate relationship with Hollywood and is fearless in conveying her own strong opinions on the subject, regardless of whom they offend. This, from her March 29th Week In Box Office review at her 'Deadline Hollywood Daily' website: 'Friday's No. 7 Stop-Loss fell a spot to 8th after it opened to only $1.7 million Friday and Saturday from a limited 1,291 plays. It eked out a $4.5M weekend. Although the drama from MTV Films was the best-reviewed movie opening this weekend, Paramount wasn't expecting much because no Iraq war-themed movie has yet to perform at the box office.’ "It's not looking good," a studio source told me before the weekend. "No one wants to see Iraq war movies. No matter what we put out there in terms of great cast or trailers, people were completely turned off. It's a function of the marketplace not being ready to address this conflict in a dramatic way because the war itself is something that's unresolved yet. It's a shame because it's a good movie that's just ahead of its time." That last paragraph begs the question: if senior Paramount executives knew that no one wanted to see anti-Iraq War movies because of their horrific recent performances at the box office, then why did they invest $25M on 'Stop Loss' in the first place when they knew it was probably going to tank, as it apparently is? Why, indeed. That is the $25M question, which pretty much answers itself. They wanted to do it. They had the script, the talent and the money to do it, so they did it. But why, if they were so sure it was going to be DOA at the box office? Who in Hollywood produces anything to be a flop? HURTING THE ONES YOU LOVE: DESTROYING 'THE DESTROYER' And now, the one that really makes me cringe. As a young teenager growing up in the 1970s I became enthralled with the immensely successful 'Destroyer' series, penned by authors Richard Sapir and Warren Murphy. I awaited with baited breath each new riveting and blackly humorous adventure of Remo Williams, the super-secret government assassin and general problem-solver trained in the supremely lethal martial arts of Sinanju, as taught to him by his cantankerous, soap opera-addicted North Korean master, the inimitable Chiun. Their parsimonious taskmaster, Dr. Harold W. Smith, officious and strictly by-the book.(except when it came to ruthlessly assassinating the worst of America's enemies, of course), ran the equally super-secret agency CURE from within the reinforced walls of the imaginary Folcroft Sanitarium in Rye, New York, with the ultimate in technology at his fingertips to hunt down and locate Remo's victims-to-be. ***WARNING: SPOILERS AHEAD!!!*** When I first heard that a film was finally going to finally be made from this worldwide-smash series of novels, I was ecstatic. I imagined the film as I recalled the pilot novel ‘Created, The Destroyer': a lethal, wisecracking American Vietnam War commando set up by the government in a double murder case and sentenced to New Jersey's Death Row to await execution (a storyline which would now have to be moved out-of-state). I remembered the CURE agent 'priest' who entered Remo's cell and responded to Remo’s rude brush-off with "do you want to save your soul or your ass?" Not exactly priestly words, but this type of comic relief and black humor was what endeared me to 'The Destroyer.' It was the common glue that bound the series together. The story continues with Remo's faked execution and transformation into one of the world's premier assassins by the aforementioned Chiun. His first assignment: the infiltration of the New Jersey crime family which was somehow uncovering the identities of the government’s most deep-cover informants, to find the mole, and to dispatch with extreme prejudice the mysterious assassin linked to the informant’s disappearances known only as 'Maxwell,' whose named popped up in wiretapped mob conversations relating to the disappearances. So Remo infiltrates the mob, finds and dispatches the mole with his characteristic 'That's the Biz, Sweetheart,' and discovers at the end the identity of the mysterious 'Maxwell' as he is dumping the last mortal coils of the Jersey mob outfit into an industrial trash compactor. As he reaches for the switch to crush the last of the gangsters into pancakes, he sees the manufacturer's nameplate mounted nearby: 'Maxwell Industries.' You can't buy irony-laced black humor like that! Well, actually you can. Orion Pictures bought the rights and cast Fred Ward and Oscar laureate Joel Grey (actors whom I admire to this day for their wildly inspired roles in such films as 'Cabaret' and 'The Naked Gun 33 1/3: The Final Insult'), in the main roles of Remo and Chiun. My disappointment in the final product can be summed up in one film critic's damning one-word review of 'Remo Williams: The Adventure Begins': 'When?' This is not to disparage actors Fred Ward or the esteemed Joel Grey, who was nominated by the Golden Globes and the Academy of Science Fiction, Fantasy and Horror Films USA as Best Supporting Actor, and who both played their parts to the best of their considerable abilities. The film was even nominated for Best Makeup Oscar. The problem was, no amount of makeup could cover up the fact that the writers and producers at Orion stripped nearly everything out of Sapir and Murphy's best-selling series that had made it so popular, particularly the comic relief and gritty black humor I had so come to love. In my humble opinion, four-time Bond director Guy Hamilton tried to make Remo into James Bond. Problem is, he's not James Bond. He's Remo Williams. And therein lies the rub. In all fairness, 'Remo' was really not all that bad of a film. It even entertained to a degree. But the epic disparity between what the novels were, and what the film could have been, is what earns 'Remo Williams: The Adventure Begins' my Big Black Mark. Yet even 'Remo' cannot hold a candle to what you are about to see. FROM 'BATMAN AND ROBIN' TO 'BATMAN BEGINS': MIRACLES CAN HAPPEN IN HOLLYWOOD As a kid I was a huge fan of the original TV series with Adam West and Burt Ward. The over-the-top campiness of such villains as Burgess Meredith's Penguin, Frank Gorshin's Riddler, Caesar Romero's Joker, Otto Preminger's Mr. Freeze, the deliciously seductive but deadly Catwoman (as played by the lovely Julie Newmar), and my own personal favorite, Egghead, played to insidious and hilarious perfection by the incomparable Vincent Price was, to say the least, 'egg-squisite!' When Tim Burton released his own version of 'Batman' with Michael Keaton in the tile role and Jack Nicholson as the Joker, I thought it was okay. When 'Batman Returns' was released, I really loved it and thought all involved did a bang-up job, from director Tim Burton to Christopher Walken as Max Schreck to Danny DeVito as the foul Penguin and Michelle Pfeiffer as the supremely yummy but deadly Catwoman. It re-sparked my interest in the film series. However, the follow-up, 'Batman Forever,' with Val Kilmer in the title role (and without Tim Burton at the helm to inject his own singular character and style) was somewhat entertaining, but an overall disappointing sequel to ‘Returns.’ The next film in the series, 'Batman and Robin,' was an intolerable abomination, as highlighted in the YouTube video above. Damn shame, too. I had watched Arnold Schwarzenegger on the Tonight Show raving about B&R upon its release and I really, REALLY wanted to gloat over Arnold 's Mr. Freeze solving the problem of Global Warming in Gotham. But I couldn't get past the first five minutes. It was like a series of T&A promo stills. I may return to it someday to catch a glimpse of Arnold's Mr. Freeze in action, but not quite yet. Maybe on my deathbed. To speed things up. And that takes us to Christopher Nolan and 'Batman Begins'. When I heard that yet another Batman film had hit the screens in 2005, I didn't even bother to look. With the sordid viewing experience of 'Batman and Robin' stuck in my mind like rancid peanut butter, I was both amazed and perplexed at the success of Nolan's and Christian Bale's reincarnation of the Caped Crusader, and how it was doing a bang-up business on IMAX screens everywhere. I hadn't seen any previews or trailers or really much cared to, so mired was I in my dismal opinion of the last installation. After finally seeing the film last year, however, I was astounded at how well producer Warner Brothers, Nolan, Christian Bale, Liam Neeson, Cillian Murphy and writer David S. Goyer had totally re-invented and brought to vivid life the mythos of the Dark Knight. Somehow, from the nuclear ashes of 'Batman and Robin' they raised the Phoenix of 'Batman Begins.' It is now one of my all-time favorites. Like many of you, I eagerly await this May's release of the Dark Knight, and it will no doubt be as huge a worldwide blockbuster as Batman Begins, if not more so. Perhaps the poignancy of Heath Ledger's recent tragic death may play upon us as we watch it on screens everywhere, but that is really beside the point. The point is, if I were a studio exec handed any script bearing the Batman logo, with the epic disaster of Batman and Robin indelibly impressed upon my mind, I would have avoided it like the plague sight unseen. So it would seem that people in Hollywood aren’t the only ones who don't know anything. DR. GIGGLES, OR HOW I LEARNED TO STOP WORRYING AND LOVE THE BOMB I know this goes against everything I just said, but there are some stinkbombs out there I really love. They're so bad they're good. Watching films like Zontar, The Thing From Venus, Attack of the Mushroom People, the Ed Wood classics Plan 9 From Outer Space and Bride of the Monster, Dollman, Jaws: The Revenge, Hercules In New York, Frankenhooker, any Troma film, or one of my top favorite cringers, The Thing With Two Heads (which features Rosey Grier carrying a racist Ray Milland on his back, yelling in Rosey's ear to kill people), are guilty pleasures I cannot resist. Besides laughing my ass off at these celluloid cautionary tales, as a screenwriter not involved with any of them I feel the distinct relief of a man who just missed his flight, only to find out later the plane crashed into the side of a mountain with all hands lost. Make of all that what you will, but I'm with Master Po on this one: 'Only by knowing evil can we truly know good.' HEY, ARMCHAIR QUARTERBACKS! THINK YOU CAN DO BETTER? INT. COCKPIT - NIGHT JOEY Wait a minute. I know you. You're Kareem Abdul Jabbar. You play basketball for the Los Angeles Lakers! MURDOCK I'm sorry, son, but you must have me confused with someone else. My name is Roger Murdock. I'm the co-pilot. JOEY You are Kareem. I've seen you play. My Dad's got season tickets! MURDOCK I think you should go back to your seat now, Joey. Right, Clarence? OVEUR No, he's not bothering anyone. Let him stay up here. MURDOCK All right. But just remember, my name is Roger Murdock. I'm an airline pilot. JOEY I think you're the greatest. But my Dad says you don't work hard enough on defense...and that lots of times you don't even run down court. MURDOCK We are turning left to a heading of zero- niner-niner. JOEY ...and that you don't really try, except during the playoffs. MURDOCK The hell I don't! I'm out there busting my buns every night! (grabs Joey by the collar) Listen, kid, I've been hearing that crap ever since I was at UCLA. Tell your old man to drag Walton and Lanier up and down the court for forty-eight minutes! Screenplay excerpt courtesy of 'Airplane!' and 'Drew's Script-O-Rama.' So, are any of you Citizen Journalists thinking of making the leap to Citizen Screenwriters, or even Citizen Filmmakers? Think you can do better than 'Batman and Robin,' 'Gigli' or any of the stinkbombs you really detest? Guess what, you're in luck! The field is always wide open, and if you think you can pitch a great idea, or tell a great story in screenplay format, have at it. There are dozens of top shelf amateur screenplay contests at CS Weekly, Indieproducer, Austin Film Festival, Script PIMP (that's Pipeline Into Motion Pictures), PAGE International, Filmmakers/Radmin and many others you'll find listed at MovieBytes and Done Deal Pro. There's even contests held by Disney/ABC, Nickelodeon and the Motion Picture Academy. But first, you might want to learn how to write one. Then, you need to learn how to tell your story on paper. Then you have to learn how to pitch. When you feel you're ready, you can submit to the contests I've mentioned, or you can go peer-to-peer at sites like TriggerStreet and Francis Ford Coppola's 'American Zoetrope' website. AZ has a great contest, too. And, if after all that, you're ready to pitch your script to the studios (the writing is the easy part!), use these examples, not these. And if you don't want to be bothered writing a script but have a great movie idea, you can pitch it to Mr. Bob Kosberg, the 'Pitch King of Hollywood.' Doesn't matter who you are, he'll take pitches from anyone. Just keep them short and sweet. He is scrupulously honest, and you WILL get paid if he can sell your idea to the studios. On the bright side, he once sold a three-word pitch to a studio for seven figures. The pitch? 'Wizard Relocation Program.' Can you imagine all the possible movie concepts in those three words alone? A major studio did, to the tune of at least $333,000.00 a word. On the down side? He's heard over 825,000 pitches by his account. Around 200 have gone on to be produced into films. Tough customer. They all are, really. When you consider a script selling for $1M is worth $10K a page, it better be damn good writing and a damn good story, because if it's going to be used for a $100M production, you're up to $1M a page now. Looks easy watching Brett Favre throw a football, doesn't it? I've been at this nearly ten years now and I'm just starting to feel like I know what I'm doing. But even that's probably an illusion. Still, I've been a finalist in two major amateur contests, I do have an option, and my coverage is getting better all the time. Hope Springs Eternal. Lastly, if you're interested in seeing how some of YOUR favorite movies or TV shows were written, I refer you to the Drew's Script-O-Rama link above, where you'll find thousands of them. All content is free to explore and download. COMING ATTRACTIONS: IS THE FUTURE SO BRIGHT WE GOTTA WEAR SHADES? No doubt a lot of bombs yet to be dropped, Dear Reader, but there's a lot of films in the pipepline that show immense promise. Here are a few (you can find a lot more at imdb and comingsoon.net): Iron Man (2008) Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull (2008) When Worlds Collide (2008) The Chronicles of Narnia: Prince Caspian. (2008) The Chronicles of Narnia: Voyage Of The Dawn Treader (2010) Terminator 4 (2009) Jurassic Park 4 (2009) Transformers 2 (2009) Listed as In Production (TBA): The Illustrated Man (Based on the novel by Ray Bradbury/1969 version of film starred Rod Steiger) Movies I Can't Wait To See Made (I hope): Rendezvous WIth Rama (In development/Based on the award-winning series by Arthur C. Clarke) (2009?) The Destroyer series (Let's get it right this time, people!) Not On Any Slate But Mine (that I know of): Inferno (based on the 1976 novel by Larry Niven and Jerry Pournelle, and Dante's Inferno - could be made into one HELL of a movie with today's FX) The Stainless Steel Rat (rights to Harry Harrison's sci-fi series bought up eight years ago - no other news) Seven Men At Daybreak (based on one of the most tragic and heroic true stories of WWII, by Alan Burgess/Remake of 1976 film Operation: Daybreak) 'NUFF SAID, FOR NOW I now leave on my quest to write a few scripts of a somewhat higher quality that than many I have skewered here. I may pop in on occasion to DJ to catch up on the news, say hello, or take time to briefly skewer the latest outrage in the news. Many of you have shown me tremendous support in that regard, and for that I will be forever grateful. So, until next time: Hooray For Holywood! Peace, Love, Happiness and a Better World To All. And Break a Leg! (That's the Biz Term, Sweetheart) Regards, The Mad King (TMK)