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Op-Ed: Dan Rather Interviews Hamas Bunny on 'Fitna'

By Johnny Simpson     Mar 30, 2008 in Politics
Assud, the beloved Jew-eating Dane-hunting Bunny of the Hamas JihadTV For Kids Network, sits down with intrepid former CBS news anchor and ex-journalistic icon Dan Rather to give his take on Geert Wilders' controversial new film Fitna.
RATHER: This is Dan Rather, reporting live from the studios of Al-Aqsa TV in the scenic and always lively Gaza Strip. We're here today to interview the All-Star of Hamas childrens' television show 'Tomorrow's Pioneers, Assud The Bunny, on the recent controversy surrounding the controversial new film Fitna, produced by the controversial Dutch politician Geert Wilders who finds himself at the center of yet another controversy.
ASSUD THE BUNNY (squeaky voice): You said controversy four times, Dan.
RATHER: Well this IS controversial, Assud, wouldn't you-
(Assud holds up his rabbit mittens)
ASSUD THE BUNNY: It's okay, Dan. My father was just like you at your age. It is nothing to be ashamed of, my infidel friend.
(A loud WHOOOSH!)
RATHER: What was that?
ASSUD THE BUNNY: Haven't you ever heard a Katyusha rocket before, Dan?
RATHER: Well, yeah, but never from a television studio.
ASSUD THE BUNNY: What better place to launch them from? The Zionist occupiers wouldn't DARE fire on a live children's' television show!
(lowers his bunny head, sad)
ASSUD THE BUNNY: Then again, they ARE Jews.
RATHER: Speaking of Jews, Assud, one of my neighbor friends knew I was coming here and had a very intriguing question for you.
RATHER: I do live in Upper Manhattan, Assud.
(Assud sits up straight, tenses and clenches his bunny fists)
RATHER: You say you're a Jew-eating bunny-
ASSUD THE BUNNY: Yes. I eat Jews for breakfast, lunch and dinner. I also have a Jew before bed, but my wife tells me it makes me break terrible wind as I sleep. Yet I am always hungry before I go to bed. What's a Jew-eating rabbit to do?
RATHER: Yet you often call Jews pigs-
(Assud hold up his bunny mitts)
ASSUD THE BUNNY: I can see where this is going, Dan. Your Zionist pig of a neighbor who occupies your building wonders how I, Assud The Bunny, as a devout servant of Allah, can eat the pig flesh of a Jew without being soiled in the eyes of Allah.
RATHER: Exactly. It just doesn't sound very kosher.
ASSUD THE BUNNY: You'd be surprised how often I'm asked that question, Dan. While it is true that no servant of Allah may eat the flesh of a Jew and not be soiled, I have been granted special dispensation from Allah. I even have the fatwa to prove it. May I read it to you?
RATHER: By all means.
(Assud reaches into his back bunny pocket, takes out the fatwa, opens it and reads)
ASSUD THE BUNNY: 'As the lion, the jackal and even the lowly camel spider may feast on the flesh of a Jew as it pleases Allah, so I, Assud The Bunny, have been granted special dispensation by the most holy and humble servants of Allah to rend asunder and feast on heretofore said unclean flesh as I hop up and down the Bunny Trail, pursuant to the provisions, regulations and limitations enacted and stated in Fatwa GZA Code 17 paragraph-
ASSUD THE BUNNY: Don't let it bother you, Dan. Now where were we? Oh yeah, 'as stated in Fatwa'-
RATHER: I'm sorry to rush you, Assud, but if my crew doesn't get this equipment back to Tel Aviv by five o'clock I lose my deposit.
ASSUD THE BUNNY: Isn't that just like a Jew! It isn't enough that they strip you of your dignity and your livelihood, is it, Dan!
RATHER: Um, my lawyers tell me I can't talk about that.
ASSUD THE BUNNY: Jewish lawyers no doubt!
RATHER: Well, it IS an Upper Manhattan practice, Assud.
ASSUD THE BUNNY: I knew it! First they take your dignity, then they take your job, then they silence you as they take your money, then they take even more money when you have no voice to raise! If I had my way I would drive them all into the sea at the point of a KALASHNIKOV!
HUGE EXPLOSION. TEARING METAL. SHATTERING GLASS. Dan and Assud are blown off their stools. They crawl toward each other amid the smoking ruins.
ASSUD THE BUNNY: What the hell was that!
RATHER: A Hellfire! We gotta get outta here! Right now!
ASSUD THE BUNNY: But we haven't finshed the interview!
30MM CANNON FIRE rains down and EXPLODES all around them.
RATHER: Interview concluded! Chuck, how's the equipment holding up?
CHUCK THE CAMERAMAN: The SonyCam took a direct hit, Dan!
RATHER: Shit! I'll never get my deposit back now!
ASSUD THE BUNNY: See? What did I tell you! What did we ever do to THEM! Those filthy Jewish Zionist Imperialist occupying bloodsucking oppressors!
Assud rolls over and chutches his now-growling belly.
ASSUD THE BUNNY: I have to stop talking like this. It's making me hungry!
VOICEOVER: For more of the wily adventures of Assud the Bunny, Nahoul the Bee and HAMAS Mickey, click on the following fun sponsored HAMAS JihadTv For Kids’ Network Links!
Mmmmm, Assud Is MIGHTY HUNGRY today!
Assud Wants to Kill Danish Cartoonists, And YOU Should Too!
Sing Along With Saraa: KILL THE JEWS!
Nahoul The Bee Likes To Play With Cats! LAFF RIOT!
Mickey Martyred By A Filthy Terrorist Jew!
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