GI Joe figures I actually had

Every year we hear about a new resurgence from one of the iconic symbols of our youth. This year we welcome back the penultimate in cartoons/toys mashups—The Transformers. I'm sick of the Transformers. Where is the GI. Joe love? Here it is.

So let me get the point of this post right out, right away. This is my personal recollection of every GI Joe figure I ever owned. In terms of the Big 3 after school toons/toys my allegiance went as follows: 1) GI JOE, 2) Transformers 3) He-Man. The second rung was easily Voltron, She-Ra then Thundercats and then after awhile Gargoyles. But this is the Joe's time to shine. I more or less remember every figure I had and as most people do have special affinities for different ones. I liked some that in the actual Joe world had no power or respect and vice versa. There are a few figures that are top dog figures that I never had like the 1st 2 Cobra Commanders, Destro and Baroness. I wanted them because they were Cobra, but they weren't the to-die for ones for me. As usual I'm a natural villain and I could give two-sh*ts about the Joes. Cobra was my posse. I, like most kids, even made my own Cobra patch out of red construction paper, scotch tape and a pin. Even when the other bad kids had Decepticon and Hordak logos I sported the red Cobra insignia. Anyways, I did get Joes figures, because well who the hell is Cobra gonna beat up??? Besides there still were a few cool good guys ... cough*Snake Eyes*cough*Slaughter*cough. So I'm going to split these up into categories and then pretty much spew some sh*t about each figure. Beware, I had a ALOT. Ones I THOUGHT I had Ok, some memories are still foggy and when I went through the Yo Joes list some jumped out at me and triggered the vault locks. But they didn't have a spotlight. So these may either be ones that my friends had or ones that I wanted enough to warrant a spot in my memory banks. So because they go on the also-ran list .. they just get a big ol' collage collection up. There is some reason I think I had 'em, but since I can't remember, how can I talk about what I feel about them?? So let's move on. Ones I KNOW I had There were a few that I had from either bad gifts, begging for the Hell of it, trading, winning/gambling, and good old fashioned teefing. Half of my collection I really didn't care about and were either Cobra fodder or just another craving in my addiction to own every plastic model figurine ever assembled. Oh yeah .. I also created the GI JOE Wrestling Federation. There was a time I actually cared about my GI Joes as wrestling action figures rather than my big ass, non-moveable, death bomb, LJN WWF "figures". Mostly because well not only could they move their arms and legs, but those little Joes were the most articulated little plastic bastards ever (at the time). Eventually my need to create the Wrestling League grew into me not even caring about the Joe characters themselves. So I frequented the hobby store and snagged a paint brush, "flesh" (not mine obviously) colored and various other hobby paints usually used for model cars and wasting your life painting blank statues. So here comes the onslaught of figures I know I had .. but really didn't give a sh*t about. I actually still have Leatherneck he still has some flesh paint and black marker on him. I think Roadblocks and Mutts came as loot bag treats at every birthday party. EVERYONE had at least 1 version of each. They f**king sucked and that was before I figured out who they were in the toon. I still hate them. I kinda did care for the Crimson Guard because it was so damned bright. I think I actually bought that one. I still remember painting Televiper. He was my ultimate Jabroni before I even knew what the term Jabroni meant. Lifeline was useless, but again he was so red I liked him. Plus his design was so different. Tunnel Rat I almost forgot I had until something reminded me. That's how much of an influence he had on me. Now Flint I even remember purchasing. In the infamous backroom of the Consumers Distributing Warehouse on Warden & St. Clair. Right before my grandparents house. I LOVED going to the Gramps place. Why?? well if my folks didn't stop by Consumers on the way ... then for some reason I NEEDED to take a walk with my Grandfather down the road. :D Needless to say EVERY visit to my Grand folks house netted me a Joe, Go Bot or at least a small Transformer.

Lt. Flint

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Flint I liked ALOT for .. well the day I got him. He was not just a Joe but the NEW heralded leader. He was the Rodimus Prime to Duke's Optimus. Finally I had a character that was coveted!!! Too bad he was a good guy and kind of lame. I lost interest in 24hrs. Flint was almost traded a ton of times and narrowly missed a Christmas fireplace funeral pyre that every single one of my Star Wars and DC Comics figures met. Poor Green Arrow, I hardly knew ya. The Frost Posse as I called them. Yes we used "posse" in the 80s. I don't even know why I had all of them. I know I bought Iceberg because I thought ... it's a black guy in the snow!!! He's like meeeeee!! No lie, I did think that. Snowjob I got in trade that involved a Batmobile Hotwheel (Snowjob was the throw in). Frostbite and the Vehicle must have been a gift. I remember them all posed in my closet in the Arctic corner (uh stretched cotton balls and fake Christmas tree branches with artificial spray can snow). They also cheated alot in the Joe Wrestling world. The only reason Jinx isn't on the fave list is because she wasn't really anything special beyond a Ninja. Though in itself that should garner entrance. But no. I liked her, she had a cool outfit, weapon and was also bright red (why I had no inclination to be a Fireman doesn't make sense in this retrospection) but she wasn't Cobra. After awhile I just made her Cobra. Snake Eyes needs no apprentice, but Storm Shadow could always use minions. He's evil ya know. Jinx's #1 accolade could be she was the 1st female character I ever liked enough to buy/keep. Though in the next set you'll see the 2nd and last one. The Dreadnoks! I liked them because they were the resident 3rd party. They were sort of like Hordak and his crew in He-Man except they were still under rule to the eve il leader. Zartan and his swamp posse didn't always hang with Cobra, but they were Cobra nonetheless. The original Dreadnok scrubs - Ripper, Torch and Buzzer reminded me of BeBop and Rock Steady in TMNT. Just some jobbers with actual names. They sucked. Eventually they got new scrubs who were cooler. One incidentally isn't listed here because he made it to my fave list. The Z family - Zartan and his 2 younger siblings shared the trendy gimmick of changing color in Water and Sunlight, not unlike the same gimmick I was tricked into years later in the 90's with Vuarnet shirts. The damned color changing must have had a time release expiration once you broke the hermetically sealed cocoon they came in. That timer was about 4 hours. I bought both Zandar and Zarana (2nd and last female Joe character bought). I dunked, blowdried and magnified the sh*t out of those 2 all day. The next day well ... I guess they decided flesh color was the choice I deserved. Zartan, I uh, well, uh, ok I threw baseball at this kid in the park and he dropped his case of toys and I ran by and snagged up a handful and gunned it home. Zartan was part of my pillage. Too bad to say I never saw Zartan turn blue ... but I bet that motherf**ker I stole it from sure was!! Muhahahahahaha. I saved the worst for the end of this section. Easily not only the worst figure I had, or even in Joe world, but the worst EVER created in the history of action figures. To top it off I even BEGGED and anticipated the day I got to spend my one BIG gift from a Consumer trip. After debuting on the show and wicked cool commercials where "the first Joe figure that can FLOAT" FLOAT I TELLS YA FLOOOOOATING ON DE WAAAAATAH!! I couldn't wait for my Deep Six to join me in the nightly Sea Wars in the tub. IT even came with a friggin submarine ship thing!! What those friggin bastards didn't tell me was that ALL it did was float. It was one big stupid plastic mold of a dude in a submarine suit. His helmet never came off, so after 3 dunks in hot water his whole head was just bubbles of condensation. His arms did move ... at the shoulders. That's it. Not only did the elbows not bend but the legs didn't even move AT ALL!!! It was just a stupid ass statue that had swingable soldier marching arms. TEH GHEY. Gawdamned this is taking way too long. Oh well, 1 person might actually read this entire thing. Now, here comes the maaaaaaain event. Fave List Let me get the obvious ones out of the way. Everyone likes these people for the same reasons - they rule and are infinitely cool. That's all I have to say about them.

Snake Eyes (version 2)

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Storm Shadow 1 & 2 were easily my 2 favorites in that order as well. Those 2 with Snake Eyes and Jinx formed the Ninja Brotherhood that dominated the Joe Wrestling world. They were the 4 Horsemen! I never ever had the original Cobra Commanders (mask or hood). They were so rare. So when I saw an actual CC on a toy rack right before my very eyes I instantly spent the weeks homerun money. My Gramps used to give me a buck for every homer I hit a week. Eventually he had to change it to a dime because I hit so much. Once he owed me 42 bucks. It was the most money I've ever had in my possession at once. I bought Castle Grayskull with it. :D Um, anyways, this is Joe talk. That week I hit only 6 homers, so I got CC version Threeee-ah and a Mint Chocolate Chip ice cream cone. I was so happy just to know I had my very own leader of Cobra. Even though he looked like Cobra 2000 in his weird future suit I loved him. He got to sit on the evil leaders shelf alongside Megatron, CyKill and Skeletor.

Major Bludd

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Bludd was the 1st mail-in figure I ever got, so that made him extra special. He also had an eye patch and his name was BLUDD, you can't get much cooler than that without being a ninja. Oh yeah .. he had a bionic arm. Bionic arms are cool. If he didn't, well he did in my storylines. He also re-enacted every Cowboy Bob Orton casted arm incident ever. For some reason I always thought I got him as a mail-in gift, but YoJoe.com says nothing of him as one, so I assume I got him from the store. Mindbender was cool because of his purply pants and silvery monocles. Bludd and Mindbender formed a formidable tag team in Joe Wrestling. They bonded because of their one eye-nessing, funky mooostachios and from what I made up; inherent Nazi compatriotism. I also make up words. The Crimson Twins were awesome. They also look REALLY cool. They had a gimmick. They had me at "identical twins except for the one scar on one of em", but add in the insane trait that they ONLY feel the pain of what happens to the other brother and I was hooked, line and sinker tightly wrapped around my throat. In the coming years (aka puberty) I found this gimmick resurfaced with Cheech & Chong, The Corsican Brothers. I'm not sure which set I liked better.

Crimson Twins (Xamot & Tomax)

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BTW one time I made them fight each other in Joe Wrestling world and they just kept hitting themselves. I swear I was making a classic SNL sketch right thurr. I even cracked myself up. By the time Serpentor came out he was joined by Hordak on the evil leaders shelf. This was either a report card gift or another baseball accomplishment gift. Either way I remember waking up and seeing it and couldn't believe I actually got something I had circled in the Consumers catalogue. Keep in mind I had the page ripped out, circled in black, red and blue marker and propped up on the fridge. For months there wasn't a time Serpentor wasn't brought up in conversation. - How was school today? - Oh, today, Mrs. Serpentor wanted to talk about Serpentors and how you can Serpentor them at Consumers, page 134. Serpentor Serpentor Serpentor!! - What? - Serpentor. I think I broke that Air Chariot in 2 hours. The plastic snake was actually wrapped in one of my shoelaces and I had it for well into high school, way after Serpentor's rubber bands had snapped. Serpentor.

Thrasher

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The Dreadnok as mentioned earlier that kicks ass. Thrasher in the series or toy line isn't really special, but he has spikey shin guards and green streaks in his hair. That is .. cool. I still have him. Thrasher kicks ass. My all-time favorite figure that I shouldn't have liked so much. I don't even know if he made it to the toon. I bought him with my allowance and I was INSANELY happy when I got him. I didn't even know who he was, I just saw him on the racks and he was glowing. The coolest most detailed figure I ever saw at the time. The extra Hawk was lost in 2.3 milliseconds, but the cape/wings/headgear thingy was frickin felt. It felt like I had a million dollar toy. I felt like I had pulled a fast one on the stores and I was in possession of a Joe figure that only the rich kids were allowed to have. I actually hope I DON'T see him in a new comic or old toon, because I know he'd probably be corny, and I don't want to ruin the legacy of the greatest heel World Champion of the GIJWF. I think that's all the cool Cobra's. I only really liked 3 Joes. All 3 had gimmicks that are so me. I liked Budo for one simple reason. He was a motherf**kin SAMURAI WARRIOR!!! SAMURAI I SAYS! I actually was shocked not to see a yellow patch that said COBRA ENEMY on the box. He was just so cool that I swore he was Cobra Elite. Nonetheless he became a cool ally of Snake Eyes when I actually played GI Joe world properly. Hmm I wonder why I liked Slaughter? An ACTUAL wrestler that I didn't have to paint over, this was Heaven to me. at the time Slaughter was in The AWA and not the WWF, so he wasn't that well known to the Saturday morning cartoon crowd. I got Slaughter with "Triple T" at good old Consumers and was so proud of it, that it was one of my show-and-tell exhibits. As you may have noticed on some of the previous figures, The Fridge was a mail-in offer. William 'The Refrigerator' Perry, was created as a special guest character much like The Sarge. Hasbro capitalized on the notoriety and fame of the 85 Super Bowl champion's popularity, and I am eternally grateful. Yep, another one I still have. BTW if I ever lost my Fridge figure I'd lose my frickin mind. That was my good luck charm on every exam throughout highschool. I guess The Fridge was out battling Cobra during Grade 11 Math ... but I digress. Holeeeee man. I actually finished. It took me forever to compile this thing. I'm glad I did. GI Joe was such a major part of my childhood, it was nice reminiscing, even if it kinda felt like a chore. Believe it or not, I think I rushed this. Huzzah if you actually read this. Double Huzzah if you read this in one sitting!