My name is Muse and I am your host. Some people know me on Digital Journal as the Robot. My kick-ass avatar is a homemade robot that looks like it was constructed by an 8-year-old, but it was actually constructed by me, a fully-grown adult. Anyway, now that we have that cleared up: Welcome to “Digital Journal Mystery Date,” where DJ Editor
Chris Hogg agreed to participate in a community game without knowing the craziness that would ensue. Sucker.
The show is simple. We have selected three random Citizen Journalist hotties and we have them hidden behind a curtain safe from the hungry eyes of Hoggman. The young editor’s three dates are a mystery, and so is anything sexually transmitted thereafter. Actually, that’s another show down the hall. *Patented celebrity host chuckle*
Our lucky Bachelor is Chris Hogg. When he is not busy running Digitaljournal.com, answering angry emails about downvoting, or attending online Block Parties with people he’s never met, he enjoys looking suave in his avatar. And so let the games begin!
Muse: How are you today Chris? And let me assure you, these three hotties will make you forget all about the news. I'm only too glad to do my part in making you a man on this day.
(Applause sign lights up. I chuckle and look smug)
Chris: I’ve never been better Muse. I’m so glad to be taking part in this charity to raise money for the less fortunate — people who don’t have Internet access and cant’ get on DJ right now.
Muse: Of course, Chris. The charity.
(Muse whispers in Chris’s ear telling him the real reason he’s here — because DJ’s ladies want a hot date. Trying to keep the surprised look off his face, Chris nods obediently that he will participate in this ridiculous game)
Muse: Very nice. Very nice. *rolls eyes skyward* What a lucky girl she will be. Imagine Chris, one of these lovely upvoted babes will soon be running her fingers through your hair (I hope she brings Kleenex). There's more product placement in that hair than a summer blockbuster. *Queue laugh track*. Before we begin, let’s take a quick break and listen to these words from our sponsors.
(Cut to commercial)
Muse: Are we off-air? *camera nods* Ok Chris, you have to work with me here. I know you are excited, but stop fidgeting. Straighten yourself up. Having you here was payback for a favour I did for your Dad. Regardless, I can't look bad on my show buddy. He thinks you spend WAY too much time on DJ and I agree. Come on, we are going to hook you up with a nice girl here. Damn. Just trust the Muse man alright? Watch the commercials on that monitor. I'll be right back.
(We see Chris sigh and turn toward the monitor. His gaze deepens and a dream haze shimmers as fantasy takes over. The show fades into Chris's lust-induced dream commercial. A bubbly blond sits smiling with a hair product on the table. In a seductive voice the woman utters, “My man uses Spike-Ease. That's why he’s my man.” Cut back to Chris who is smiling. The woman hugs him and teases his hair. Chris is all smiles as he holds up the box. "Spike-Ease makes spikes easy. That's why I'm her man. That was easy too." A brunette enters. "No! That's why he's my man!" Another enters and they begin to fight. Chris raises his voice as they all shout. "Ladies, ladies...." They stop as the silence stretches. "Continue." He chuckles and gives the camera a thumbs-up. "Spike-Ease, you have my upvote,” he says in a Sean Connery voice.)
Muse: Chris! Wake up buddy.
(Chris awakes from his daydream, wiping the drool from his chin).
Muse: Come on buddy. We are almost out of commercial here. This is exactly what your Dad and I are talking about: You have to start paying attention. This isn't DJ where you can just go around upvoting and offering newbies advice. Ok here we go.
(Studio lights flash, music queued and audience applauds)
Muse: Welcome back. It’s time to meet the girls.
Girl #1 is a sassy vixen who likes to post articles on all kinds of subjects and is not afraid of controversy. She recently jumped at the idea of a date with you, and after she overcame her fear, agreed to be here today.
Girl #2 is not only sexy, but a real thinker, Chris. She thought hard about skipping out on this date. Luckily, we have a duct tape budget.
And last but not least girl #3 who is not only beautiful, but very athletic. She ran as soon as I mentioned your name.
Now Chris, this is your chance to ask these girls question. What will it be?
(Muse smiles, proud of Chris. He appears to have pulled it together and has been able to think about something other than DigitalJournal for more than three seconds. Though he keeps clicking an imaginary mouse).
Chris: *clears throat*. If you were a flavour, what would you be and why?
(Audience laughs)
Girl #1: I am peppermint. I’m hot on your tongue at first lick, but blow me, and you’ll feel a cool and crisp sensation that will take your breath away!
(Muse wipes his forehead and whistles as he adjusts his cue cards)
Muse: I don't know about the audience, but that one just gave me an upvote from down below!
Girl #2: I would have to go with Tiramisu. It is heavenly light and fluffy (like a bouncy cloud), it doesn’t stay long enough in your mouth to become “boring” and in the very end, adds a tiny explosion of chocolate taste that disappears in a flash. It makes me ecstatic.
(Muse whistles again and nudges Chris. "Is it getting hot in here?" he mumbles.)
Girl #3: I would be lemon flavour because I am highly desired in so many foods you eat and drink. I'm very juicy with the ability to be both tangy and tart, while also seductively soft and sweet. Just squeeze me to get my delicious juices flowing for you.
(Muse reaches for a power cord to plug himself in to prevent from overheating. Vanna White runs over and pats his steel head with a cool cloth. She swats him away as he makes a grab for her "vowels").
Muse: Well Chris, these girls are certainly spicing things up. Take your time and savor that delicious info, because it is time for the girls to now ask
you a question.
Girl #1: I'd like to get matching tattoos. Would you do that with me, and if so, what should our tattoo be, and where should we put them!
(Girl #1 explodes into evil laughter. Muse sits down as he loses blood flow to his head making him dizzy.)
Hogg: I don't have any tattoos, so I'd probably have to lose a serious bet for this to happen. But if I were to get a tattoo, it would probably be a gigantic tattoo of
Khee Mao's avatar on my back. He is my idol: He has a great job at Taco Bell, he is worshiped by
GotTheScoop and he always has the most eloquent things to say in a discussion. I spent a long time thinking about what we should have as a tattoo and it was tough to come up with something that people would think is really awesome. It's not like a tattoo of a robot would be anything people would think is cool.
(In unison, audience starts chanting: Ohhhh…Jerry! Jerry! Jerry!)
Muse: This isn’t the Springer show you faceless avatars — my name is Muse the Great! And Chris, I'm standing right here. Robot's are cool, and this robot is controlling your fate right now. Thanks for that long diatribe to a simple question, bud — I wrote a novel while I was waiting. Ok, what does girl #2 say?
Girl #2: If I were stranded on a desert island, how would you rescue me?
(Audience boos at the cliché question)
Chris: No, no, it’s a fair question!
(Audience shuts up in fear of having their DJ accounts closed)
Chris: It's tough to answer though, because it would depend on how many stories were breaking on DigitalJournal.com. You are a friend, but as someone who admits he has a serious case of
Digital Journalitis, I might find it difficult to break away from the website. If it was a slow day, or we were only hearing about conspiracy theories from Phree, I might be able to take a break.
If it was a slow news day, I would open Google Maps to find the fastest way to you; then book travel arrangements through Travelocity and put the 38 cents I earned on DJ this month to good use; get to the nearest marina and hire a sketchy grease monkey who is willing to take me out on a boat in exchange for hockey pucks, maple syrup and monopoly money (don't ask, we just have a lot of this stuff in Canada); and then search the high seas until I found your hidden cove.
Oh wait, I gotta go back -- someone is complaining about being downvoted again. Argh. I must return to the DJ lair and break out my whips. I'll send you taxi chits. Will you take an IOU?
(Camera cuts to Muse who fell asleep while waiting for Chris to finish his litany).
Muse: Well your answer certainly did not "lack content" Chris.
(“This kid better get some action out of this,” Muse mutters under his breath).
Girl #3: What is your life ambition and where do you see yourself ten years from now?
(Chris pauses before answering, realizing this is a very serious question and probably shouldn’t joke. He clears his throat again and offers true insight into his DJ plans).
Chris: From a professional standpoint, my life's ambition is to build a community that people like, and want to be part of. With the way the Internet has evolved, community is one of the most difficult yet rewarding things to create. Anyone can develop widgets to wow an audience, but a truly rewarding feeling comes from being part of a group of people that share thoughts, discuss and debate, and share a mutual feeling of belonging. In ten years, I would love to see DigitalJournal.com evolve into a large news hub where the whole world discusses current events (like global warming —
you know it exists Robot!) in addition to reporting breaking news. The discussion is often the best part of any social site, so when it revolves around news you can learn a lot and grow as an individual with well-rounded and well-founded opinions.
If that doesn't work out, I will try my luck in the fast food industry hawking fries and trying to up-sell meals that come with a toy. Kids are gullible.
(Camera pans to Muse talking with the producer in the wing. "How the hell can we be out of time? I mean, the kid’s answers have been so concise and short! It’s not like he’s taking too long with his responses.” Muse throws his cue cards on the ground and walks back on stage).
Muse: Ahhh, good answer Chris. I’m glad you kept your answers short, and it’s not like you have now blown a full season’s budget on this one show.
(Muse loosens the tie from around his neck and mutters something about his career being over).
Muse: Great, you have all learned a bit about each other. But wait…Before you choose one of these ladies and initiate user contact, there is a twist: You can either choose one of these three now, or have a chance to set your sights even higher.
(Camera pans to silhouette of a mystery woman waiting backstage)
Muse: You see Chris, there is a very special creature of delight waiting in the wings. Your task now is: Choose this vision of delight with no questions asked by either one of you, or choose one of these three ladies.
(The audience falls into deadly silence, and Chris looks around still wondering why the hell he agreed to do this. Camera pans to the audience. Camera pans to Chris. Camera pans to the audience. Camera pans to Chris. Camera pans to the audience. Camera pans to Chris. Camera pans to the audience. Camera pans to Chris. Camera pans to the audience. Camera pans to Chris. Camera pans to the audience. Camera pans to Chris. Camera pans to the audience. Camera pans to Chris. Camera pans to the audience. Camera pans to Chris. Camera pans to the audience. Camera pans to Chris.)
Chris: Umm, well…the ladies all sound very nice, but there is something about a secret that I can’t say no to. I will probably end up regretting this and having to come back and break you down into parts to fix my toaster Muse, but I’m going to have to go with the mystery lady.
(Chris beams, and straightens himself up while lights flicker in the studio. A hush falls over the crowd, a heavy anticipation lingers as they wait to see the mystery date. The romantic music begins to play, as the curtains open slowly. Overjoyed, Chris grabs the flowers he brought for this lovely Digital Journal diva).
Chris: Reveal yourself my beauty!
Mystery Date: Yes my big powerful editor!
(Just as the suspense threatens to overwhelm the entire crowd, Chris lets out an incredibly loud, girly shriek that pierces the eardrums of Girl #1, and shatters the wine glasses being held by Girl #2 and #3).
Muse: Behold, my true master plan! *Ducks and runs for cover behind
Alex Chumak’s programming desk. It’s empty, Alex slumps, passed out in the corner after drinking 23 beers the night before*
(Gigantic white teeth rip through the red velvet of the rising curtains. A deep growl deafens the audience as Wolfman2001 lunges with teeth out at Chris. Not knowing what to do, Chris begins wrestling with wolf, attempting to stab him with his spiky hair).
Muse: Take him down my great hairy beast!
(As wolfman lunges for the kill, the audience panics and starts to flee. The three mystery dates scream and run from behind the curtain, revealing (Girl #1) GotTheScoop, (Girl #2) Franklin and (Girl#3) Jaguar. Interestingly, they do not even try to save Chris. Chris's clan of Digital Journal Staff worker monkeys begin squealing and chaotically swinging from the rafters).
Muse: *talking to producers* I need all of the tapes burned. Nobody can know. When the wolf is finished,
he will take himself hostage, so no need to worry about that. This never happened. Got it?
(The producers rush to the control room and begin ripping the tapes from the machines. Muse activates his robot death rays and zaps the lenses inside the cameras. Alex Chumak wakes to see his dear friend being torn apart by the wolf. He shrugs, and rolls over and goes back to sleep).
Muse: Initiate Operation Robot Freedom!
(With one fell swoop, DJ citizen journalists pick up and start trying to cover up the plan to take down DJ’s editor: Cgull begins leaving nice comments on stories to make it seem as though everything is kosher; gohomelaker turns on her rapid-fire blogging skills and churns out stories to divert attention; Sheba starts a debate about debating to divert attention away from the massacre; Phree, who is not happy with the conspiracy cover-up, begins trying to report the events that just occurred but is mass-downvoted by Bocephalus, Brandigal, malan and Cruiseroo until his articles are deactivated; HockeyGirl continues to report about pointless celebrity news as though nothing happened; Leah starts dancing with muse, happy that she will now be included in TopFinds because the guy who couldn't say her name properly is gone; and Picasso starts chanting “I love digital journal” on hundreds of comment threads to quash speculation. The whole time, DJ Managing Editor David Silverberg smiles with delight, happy he won't be forced to coiffe his boss's hair with 14 lbs. of hair products anymore).
Muse: Thank you everyone for watching, and don’t forget: Nothing happened. I’ve got to run, as a new opening just came for DigitalJournal.com management, and this robot has to finish his resume.
Good find.
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This show was brought to you in part by Spike-Ease...Spike-Ease makes spikes easy.
It was also a collaborative effort by
museinspiredart , the crazy robot who won't admit global warming is real and
Chris Hogg, the spiky haired Editor who looks way too young to be doing his job. All proceeds raised by this show will go to paying every user's 8 cent monthly income.
Copyright. All rights reserved. To book tickets to the next show, send $5 million in unmarked bills to Chris & Muse Inc., 555 Fictional Address Dr., Kazakhstan.
