The signs were there more or less since the second episode of season five, when Sterling and Lana failed to sell cocaine to Charles and Rudy (and Ramon, secretly in cahoots). Since then, Sterling and the gang have lost the cocaine in numerous other ways; to Colombians, to the yakuza, to highway robbers, and of course to Pam, who has been eating the stuff since she unintentionally became addicted after the ill-advised cocaine body cast.
The final nail in the coffin was surprisingly not the collective ineptness of Sterling, Cyril and Pam, but Krieger. Over the past few weeks he developed a submarine either called Red Kriegtober or Red Octkriger, but when Lana points out the obvious problem of not being able to move the submarine out of the Tunt mansion, Krieger erupts with emotion and blows the submarine up, which was filled with basically the rest of the cocaine as ballast.
But before that can happen, there’s plenty of intrigue along the way. The episodes so far have opened this season with plenty of snappy dialogue and sometimes a recap of what happened in previous episodes. But this features very little dialogue, and opens with a very menacing-looking Malory and a storm brewing outside, mimicking almost note-for-note the excellent third-season episode “Lo Scandalo.” But “On the Carpet” is no murder mystery; instead, we’re filled in on how Sterling, Cyril and Ray made it out of the jungle.
As could be expected, things take several weird turns. After making off with the plane loaded with cocaine, Ray informs them that they’re quickly running low on fuel, and so they land at the airstrip marked on the map, only to meet up with a bunch of American dealers, the lead voiced by Christian Slater. After an awkwardly hilarious sequence in which Sterling comes up with fake names (he goes by Rando, only slightly different than his acknowledged go-to pseudonym of Randy), the gang is able to fly back to chez Tunt with “enough weapons to invade Quebec.”
As it turns out, the CIA is involved with the uprising in San Marcos, a South American country with a president barely clinging to power. Malory sees it as an opportunity to make some money now that most of the cocaine is gone thanks to Krieger’s moment of passion.
Meanwhile, we’re quickly filled in on why Cherlene is dressed like “the whore the rest of the trailer park decided they had to stone to death” (Malory’s words). It’s a hilarious sequence in which an already tasteless album cover shoot quickly devolves into food porn, which is really all you need to know.
The episode works so well because it features, almost simultaneously, the two things that make Archer so wonderful — globetrotting adventures, and the whole cast commenting on and laughing at the misfortune of their fellow teammates. As Sterling tells the story, he has to pause several times as he’s interrupted by snide remarks from Malory or Cyril, or perhaps the whole cast agreeing that he always chooses Randy as a pseudonym. It’s nice to see everyone back together, especially since those in the house don’t get as much fun stuff to do while the rest are out in the field failing to sell their cocaine stash.
With four episodes left, there’s a lot of ground to cover. There’s no doubt Pam will play a major part, now that she no longer has her go-to snack (this episode’s coke-coction was cocaine whipped cream), she’ll have to detox, and it won’t be pretty. Cherlene still has yet to do much besides plan out her stellar country music career, and who knows what the success rate of Malory’s arms-smuggling plan is? Oh, and Malory and Ron are now in an open marriage, which will make things all the more uncomfortable.
Lines that made the episode
“We will never recognize Tanganyika!”
“As long as they don’t nationalize the ivory trade…I don’t think my portfolio can take it.”
“Cyril, don’t panic, just jump. You have nothing to live for.”
“Ask Houdini.” // “Ask him what, how to get AIDS?”
“Tell me what’s going on or I will literally emasculate you!”
“Ma, they done killed old Rando.”
On the difference between alligators and mothers: “They’re both cold-blooded, prehistoric monsters.”
“See, here’s the thing about the McCracken brothers…” // “Hush, Odie!”
